just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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