I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
