my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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