I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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