Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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