every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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