Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
