Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
