my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
