I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
