who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
