Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
