When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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