You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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