Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
