I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
