I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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