I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
