My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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