two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
