end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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