I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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