he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
People in love make me want to vomit
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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