If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
