its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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