all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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