I'm sorry my penis didn't work
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
