mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
