The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
