1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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