There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
