This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize