he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
