My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
