it wasn't lemon gatorade
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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