i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're breaking my sexual little heart
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
