Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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