She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize