oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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