Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
