I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
