Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
