I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
bring money and cleavage
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
