My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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