Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
