You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
