If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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