I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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