He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i love accidental penises.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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