guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The Olympian is in my bed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
