she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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