hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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