my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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