Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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