Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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