He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
