i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
