Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
